Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
