I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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