If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
