Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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