Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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