Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
