Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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