Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
