Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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