I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
