just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
