There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
And then my night got REAL pukey
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
