You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
