absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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