I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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