Welp...herpes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
