Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
