I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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