my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
