i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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