I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
