i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
