she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
