Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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