the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am full of burrito and curiosity
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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