You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
