I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
did you just send me my own nude
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize