i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
