when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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