My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
