Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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