There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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