you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
