i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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