I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
