1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
and she was petting her beer can
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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