take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
