All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
