I wish I could teleport
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
