i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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