We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
