She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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