I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
