my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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