Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
