im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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