I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
