On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
