Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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