I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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