$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
