Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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