I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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