fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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