Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
