Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
