I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
