there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
