I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
