Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
