you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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