apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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