i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
