so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
