Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
